Rant

After kept in the dark for so long, I finally know the truth.

I know now why people have been giving me the cold shoulder, the awkward conversations with no eye contact, the no "hey" or "woi" when we pass each other, the sarcastic reply over a simple question and the rude gestures shown.

It is upsetting to hear people whom you called friends once say all these nonsense about you. I just wished they had the guts to confront me about it and ask what happened but it's like waiting for fire to start in the pouring rain. All I can say is don't judge someone to quickly.

I was really upset when I found out and it stresses the hell out of me but then after confiding to friends of mine, I really shouldn't be giving a rat's ass about it. People like this can live in their judgmental and close minded world because I am done giving a fuck. My life is too short to waste my time on hateful, manipulative, devious people. 

Dear Ones

I hit that low point in my life where I felt as if I had no friends at all. No being should feel that way. I was hanging with the wrong crowd because I had no one to confide in, no one to comfortably hang out with and no one that I could actually be myself around. I'm grateful to God for sending the people-that I can truly call friends, my way because they helped me in ways that I can't even begin to describe because my words won't do them justice. 

They helped me realize that it's ok to make mistakes and that my past mistakes does not define who I am as a person. They made me realize how I'm a good person and not what other people made me out to be. They taught me how to not sweat the haters and the doubtful. 

Yes, I made mistakes that I regret and countless times I wished I could have gone back and not turned into the person I hate. But that's life. I let my wounds turned me into the person I'm not and lost my identity for the longest time. It took time for me to actually find myself and move on and now.. I think I'm ready to leave my past behind and start again. 

Thank you dear friends for the support and love that you have shown me in the past year. I treasure each and every one of you. I am so grateful for your friendship and I promise to be there for you just like how you were there for me. Thank you for teaching me so much, your advice and words of wisdom will always be remembered. I can't think of anything else to say to show the magnitude of my appreciation except thank you, thank you so much for everything. 

So far

Ok, so I downloaded an app on my phone to help me blog but the stupid thing is it didn't fucking published my posts! Argh, damn pissed la. Spent so much time on my phone but then found out that this dumb app didn't even published it. *Face palm*

I am so determined to finish the 365 project! Haven't been taking a lot of pictures but hopefully the ones I put on are nice LOL. If selfies, faham faham la. I also bored what, need pictures of myself to feel good sometimes. I have very low self esteem, not even joking. Sooo moving on...

#6

I am one with nature LOL.  I've been taking yoga classes just to fulfill my Physical Education credit. At first I thought pfft, yoga easy only. Have to do some weird ass positions for an hour and then I'm done but I ended up really liking it. It might seem easy but dude seriously, I was so sore the first few classes but then I got the hang of it. My favorite position is downward facing dog. It makes me feel like my limbs are long and that I'm elongating it haha. Dunno if I make sense or not. At the end of each yoga class we have this part where we just lie down! The instructor will say stuff like "control your breathing, roll your eyes backwards" and some weird shit like that, I usually just doze off and then wake up when she say class is done. But yea, try yoga! it's seriously fun and far from boring. It's challenging yet calming. 

#7

In my previous post I wrote about visiting Rohan at Penn State and had this huge ass ice cream cone to myself! Ahh life is bliss weee. For those who don't know me my favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip oh my gosh BEST FLAVOR EVER. A lot may say eww and whatnot but seriously how can you not like it?! Its pack with so much flavor! So refreshing and it doesn't leave an after taste where you need to drink lots of water after. Just lock me in a room with this ice cream and I'll be set for life. 

#8

There were a few weeks during Spring semester where the club that I was involved in had to stay up till late for planning, decision making and etc for the clubs' biggest event of the year.It really took a toll on me because 1.) I was trying to balance school and extracurricular activities. 2) I wasn't living on campus anymore and I get really tired from commuting to and fro. 3.) I was at a point that I got so busy that I didn't even had time to eat and everyone knows that a hungry man is an angry man. But anyway, I took this picture to remind myself that even when I'm tired and I just wanna 

I just need to push myself on that last, big hurdle before achieving something awesome. To hear someone say "Hey, good job. It was an awesome show" and just bask in the glory of being recognize for all your hard work, effort and cold sweat (cold cause it was spring but I still sweated my balls off.)

The committee members, I'm really gonna miss working with these people.

and hey, it was a great show :D

#9

Even though I hate my school sometimes, at least got nice view. I can't wait to show my parents around New York when they visit me next year. Views like this makes me realize how everything has a price. Ingat senang ka wanna go to school oversea, you gotta bust your balls if you wanna make it big. 

#10

Went to Chicago again in the beginning of summer. The city really confuses me, It's the city that I love to hate just cause I have so many memories there and it doesn't really make me feel any better that the times that I was there that the weather was gloomy as shit. I felt like the weather was reflecting how I felt at the time. Cehhh, damn poyo right. Just kidding. I really like this photo cause of the bird, only cause of the bird. Truth be told, I look like shit cause I didn't shower that day. I didn't know that my friends wanted to stop by Chicago before heading home. 

#11

Went to Atlanta, Georgia just because I needed a change of scenery. Atlanta has a lot of attractions like the World of Coca Cola, the Aquarium, tree climbing, the hike trails and etc. My favorite was the World of Coca Cola, you get to try 60+ different kind of sodas from all over the world and you get to tapao a bottle of coke before you leave. You also learn the history behind coca cola and all. 

There's even a polar bear

Too cute man, too cute.

#12

Jump for joy! I don't know what lake this was but it was in Atlanta. Look at the sky, its so blue sigh. So pretty. Jumping shots are the shiznits!

#13

Everyone meet Liyana Nayan, my best friend haha :D She visited me few days before Eid and it was really nice catching up with her. Selamat Hari Raya Liyana! 

#14

I brought Liyana out to Central Park and found this really neat spot. When I have a boyfriend I really wanna bring him here and go for a picnic and row a boat and other romantic stuff haha I'm such a girl.

#15

 A selfie :D Bought the dress from a thrift shop for $12. 

Aite that's it for now. Till next time :)

Project 365

Dear B,

It's been 2 weeks after Spring Break but I feel like I need another week off already. I'm up till 6:15 in the morning nowadays just studying for exams. If my dad reads this he'd probably say manage my time better but I swear to God I got no time to spare. My days are always hectic, it's more hectic than any semesters that I had before. I'm guessing its the fact that I moved off campus, I'm out in the morning for classes and I stay on till I'm done with classes, group meetings, club meetings omgasdkhfakdjhf so many things. I'm actually cutting back on club activities for next semester to make more room for study time and I desperately need that, especially since it's my senior year. But one thing that really helps, and I know it sounds corny but it's really true is praying. One thing that keeps making me feel uneasy is that I haven't been to the gym since Spring break, that's like 3 weeks! There goes my figure, LOL, as if I had one before. Oh I really wanna make a post about my weight teehee, maybe when I hit 110 pounds. I've been close but I'm not there yet, slowly but surely.

I'm officially starting Project 365 :D

#1

This was taken back in October..I think..it was one of those weird weather days where it snowed one day and sunny the other. The lamp post in the picture reminds me of when Lucy first discovered Narnia. 

#2

The Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier. I was in Chicago again for Spring Break and it reminded of summer and what used to be. I'm not gonna lie, being there reminded me of Ian. 

#3

Ok, this is clearly not a pretty picture haha. I was at Madison, Wisconsin for Temaga Jaguh Malaya and I participated in Women's Basketball. Stevens played against Iowa State and this girl, smaller than me, flung me across the court like I was nothing. I just sat on the court dumbfounded. This went on for the entire game and at one point at the game, I malas dah nak layan. You play the way you wanna play. You wanna throw me down on the court, you throw la. But in the end, you're the one getting the foul. Everything ended well tho, we all became friends so no harm done :) Oh and Stevens won 2nd place for Basketball so that's awesome. 

#4

Samosas :D My neighbor Emul invited my roommate Amy and I to make some samosas. Doesn't the Samosa that I'm holding in my hand look like a Smurf's shoe haha, exactly why I took a picture of it. It's like I chopped a Smurf's foot off and fried it hahahaha, funny ok, im not crazy!

#5

Garrett Popcorn at the Navy Pier. Ian told me about this popcorn cause you know, salty popcorn at the cinema sucks and I got to try it this time around! I actually bought two batches. One was a caramel flavor and the other was dark chocolate. Ok, sad story. I left my dark chocolate popcorn in the car, thinking it would be safe from harm but then when I got back to Hoboken, I found out that the people that I traveled with ate my popcorn!!! I know it's dumb but I got really upset. The day before I found out that they ate it, I actually had a dream about them eating it. It was almost like a horror movie. Lol. I'm physic.

So yayyyyy, 5 pictures for Project 365! Another 360 to go :)

Hoboken St. Patty's Day

Hey B!

I'm glad you texted me. A lot has happen this past week. Some good, some bad. Let's keep that for another time.

It was Hoboken's St. Patty's Day last Saturday! and I got shwasteddd. Lol. I'm surprise I remembered every single thing that happen that day, not even kidding. 

I went out with my roommate Nathalie that day. Me, her and two of her friends went to a bar called Wicked Wolf and got really cheap drinks and a free shot cause Nathalie used to work there so she knows the manager and blablabla, you get the point.

A human size Barbie doll!! She's so pretty. 

Lexy and Andrea

Duck faces cause we cool like that \m/ lol 

Can you believe that the two girls in the pic with me are sisters?

anddddd that's pretty much it. I didn't take a lot of pictures that day. But hey at least I can scratch 'Hoboken St. Patty's Day' off my to-do list. 

B for blues

Hey B,

I just wanna clarify something right now.

If I, should ask you about how you truly felt in a certain situation, and you did- I wouldn't think of you to be selfish for telling me how you feel, in fact it's good to honestly tell someone about how you feel instead of keeping it in and suppressing it until it turns into resentment. But then how is that different from telling someone, without being ask, about how a person makes you feel? It makes me wonder if only when asked is it alright to tell how a person truly feels. Is it selfish of me to tell the truth about my feelings? It's not and I'm not ashamed of being honest about how I feel. You know me well don't you? I don't stoop low just to make someone feel crappy about themselves and it's sad that some people actually think I do. The years that you know me, do I really have the heart or the attitude to do that? Like seriously. Well here's a reality check-I don't do that cause I care about how people feel even when some people keep telling me to not give a fuck. I'm sympathetic and empathetic and I care. 

I swear I'm not a horrible person but people keep getting the wrong impression of me. I'm not sure if it's mine or their loss. Its upsetting cause I thought my friends know me best but when that friendship is tested they actually don't know a damn thing about you. The struggle you went through to get them a special gift for Christmas, the money you spent on making a homemade birthday present that wasn't even appreciated, the time you spent defending them whenever someone says something nasty and even giving them a shoulder to cry on when their heart got broken, all of it seems meaningless now. 

"Friends tell you the truth no matter what. That's what friends are for because I have those in my life."-MB. I need to find friends like this. Not the kinds that keep making me upset and getting fooled by my fake smile. Sometimes people just need to step back, read between the lines and contemplate if their actions makes sense at all. 

Tampar Hang

Hey B,

It's picture timeeeeeee. So meet Rohan!

Rohan is the guy I always talk to when I feel so low and need some harsh truth to just snap me back from it. He's the guy that would make me laugh when I'm crying my eyes out during our skype sessions and say "tampar hang" if I shed another tear. He's the guy that would always give me good advises whenever I share with him some of my sad life story. Even though we had issue in the past, I'm glad that we were able to look past it and become friends. So thank you Rohan- if you're reading this, for the hospitality that you have shown me last weekend. I really needed some time away from school and hanging out with you last weekend really made me feel so much better. Thank you for bringing me out jalan-jalan around campus even when you were busy with school work. I promise I'll come back to visit you when you're not busy. 

Moving on..

I reached State College at 9:40pm and Rohan bought me Hainanese Chicken Rice from Penang, a  local Malaysian restaurant. In return I made oreo truffles for dessert.

This building is called the Old Main. When Rohan said it I heard 'Old Man' and I was so curious why he wanted to bring me meet an old man. 

I wish I was under a mistletoe but a bell works too! I actually thought this was the bell with the crack at the side that's why I took a pic of it. Pada hal its just a normal bell and I lebih lebih jakun. 

I'm in love with this view! You can't see it but there's actually a pond there.

Ain't it pretty?

I couldn't help myself, I had to take a pic with the pond!

Oh you know, just hanging with my boys lol

The streets were empty that day because it was Thon weekend. Thon is a student-run philanthropy where they raise funds and awareness on pediatric cancer. This year they raise $12 374 034.46! A lot right? And they do it every year and the number has just been increasing ever since they started in 1977.Respect.

Saw this art thingymajig on display and thought it was kinda freaky. It looks like a decaying body (O.o)

This is Pattee Library and Paterno Library. Damn big.

Rohan brought me to the Agriculture Science building! This is where Najmi and the rest go to menuntut ilmu lol jakun bha me.

This is my favorite place OMG. Rohan took his time to bring me to the Creamery! Such a tease. This is a list of all their flavor. I was torn between Death by Chocolate and Bittersweet Mint. Guess what I went for...

Jeng jeng jeng

The Bittersweet Mint! :D It's cause its hard to find mint ice cream. It was freaking delicious,cheap and damn big! Its the size of my face, not even kidding. I finished the whole thing in 11 minutes and 30 seconds. and yes, I timed myself. Shit la I should have join the ice cream eating competition on campus. 

This was the line that day. Its very long but you actually don't wait long. The workers work pretty fast.

Penn State Stadium :D Didn't go any closer cause it was so cold that day.

I like this picture because it looks like its mirrored. It's so...symmetrical. Kinda.

Yvonne made sweet potato cake, it was delicious! Didn't even taste like sweet potatoes.

Last picture that I took. This was actually taken before I found out that I missed the bus lol.

Well, that's kinda all the picture that I took from State College. I had a great time there even though I didn't do much :p But hey, I went cause I wanted to meet with my friends and I did just that. I hope to go visit Rohan and Jazz and everyone else again and experience the night life there LOL.

I'm thinking of doing the 365 Project. It's where you take a picture a day for 365 days. It sounds like my kind of thing since I take pictures of everything and anything. My only concern is if I can follow through with it since I get bored easily. See la how. 

Bye!